In Front Of Me, Here
by MeredithBrody
Summary: Brody thinks about her relationship with James, and how she just isn't ready to give it up. (Yet another tag for 1x18)(Brames)


**So, this fic idea struck a total of 53 minutes ago (that's how fast it wrote for me tonight! Go me). I recommend listening to the song "The Only Exception" by Paramore, because it's so totally perfect for these two. This is for Icka, for always being a wonderfully patient bestie when I shout things like "I'MMA DO THE THING". She also deals with my pairing ADHD remarkably well. Anyway. This is set at the end of 1x18 "The List".  
Shin xx**

* * *

 _ **I've got a tight grip on reality but I can't  
Let go of what's in front of me here  
I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up  
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream**_

* * *

There was always a moment when she realised that, no matter what, come the morning either she or James would be leaving. This time it was most likely to be James. She had just closed a case, Pride tried to give them the day off following a successful case. James needed to get to Dubai to start up his next assignment. She had said that she wanted normal, but as she laid watching James sleeping lightly she realised that this was normal. Normal for them, anyway.

Right now she was just desperate for proof that he loved her. That he wanted to spend his time with her. That had always been something she wanted. Almost as long as she'd been involved with him. For such a long time she had felt as though she was playing second fiddle to his work, to his career. It was only in moments like this, when he would reach out for her hand in his sleep and then cuddle it to his cheek that she realised exactly how much he cared, and how much she mattered to him.

When she had nights like this she wanted to hold on to them tightly. Maybe that was why she never found it easy to fall asleep. She always wanted to memorise the situation, the things he did in his sleep. She'd never felt the need to stay up and watch any of her other partners like this. Just James. There was probably some huge psychological reason for that, but she had one that was probably far more accurate than any others.

She truly loved James Lathom, and she knew that eventually they were going to go their separate ways and have to do an awful lot more than this to keep the relationship going. She knew that that wasn't necessarily the relationship she wanted, but she knew without doubts that James was the person she wanted. The fact was, she didn't think she could give it up this time.

Eventually, she dozed off, and she didn't wake up until she felt movement from beside her. She opened her eyes and stretched, realising that James had sat up a little. She reached out and put a hand on his upper arm to try and distract him from actually trying to stand up and move. She wanted to talk to him first, just for a few minutes."You going?"

"Yeah, it's my turn to sneak out." He smiled, and she realised that that was in reference to what he'd said just a few days earlier, when she'd been trying to sneak out of his hotel room and get to the lab as fast as she could, forgetting her clean clothes and everything else that she normally had. That had been embarrassing, but she also hadn't really minded, because she had had a good night, and she'd broken up with Sam on her way over. So now she just had to figure out what to say to James to let him know that this had all matter a lot more than she could ever properly say.

"I had fun." She said simply. That wasn't what she'd planned that wasn't some big huge gesture that she'd wanted to give him to let him know that she cared and that he was loved. But it was what the two of them would have done. They were, at times, quite hedonistic people, and the two of them normally only did things that would make one or the other of them happy.

"Good, I'm glad." James smiled, and the little awkward turtle that came out whenever he needed to say goodbye to someone, or whenever he did anything professional. It was one of the most adorable things about James' personality. It seemed like he just had to become this awkward turtle in some situations, and she thought it was hilarious that he did. She wasn't mean, it was just really cute and she found it very attractive.

"I know I dodged you these last few weeks but... I'm really glad I saw you." She smiled widely looking at him, and the truth was that she genuinely was very happy to have seen him. It had been a long time since she'd felt like this about anyone, or anything. She should have known that it would have been James that brought that part out again.

"Maybe you won't dodge my calls next time." There was a hidden barb in there, she could tell that, but she wasn't going to rise to it. She knew he wasn't being obtuse on purpose, but he was just still a little sad that she'd spent such a hard time trying to hide from him. She knew that for a fact as he'd told her often enough that that had bothered him.

"Maybe." She just gave a non-committal answer. Only because she didn't know what she'd be doing the next time he was here. She hoped that he was there and that he was as happy as he could be. She hated the idea that he might be sad and alone when they weren't together, but she knew better than that, and she'd seen how the calls who hung around the grounds looked at him.

James just looked at her seriously for a few moments then leant forward and kissed her hard. Harder than she would have thought for someone like him. Even in private he wasn't the type who would show their emotions easily, but something like this showed her that he loved her, and that he truly wanted to be with her. After a second he pulled back slightly breathless and smiled then whispered quietly. "I love you."

"I know." She couldn't help but smile at that, because she had always known, and she knew that it wouldn't matter what happened, a part of him would always love her, and a part of her would always love him. She had accepted this as being something that they were always going to have in their lives, no matter what became of them. "Me too."

"MB. Let's not go two years without seeing each other this time." James question was simple enough, and she was just sat there quietly for a few seconds while she processed what he was saying. He didn't want to go a long time without seeing her again. Maybe she could push this and get him to agree with this.

"Do we have to give it up at all?" She hypothesised quietly. She knew that probably wasn't possible. No matter what, certain things were going to be too far out of the way. For the two of them, that just so happened to include an actual situation with how they felt and what they wanted to do with each other.

"What?" He asked, and the slight look of confusion and panic on his face almost made this worthwhile all on its own. She just found it so hilarious that he could look that confused at what she thought was a simple point. She decided that this time would probably be done easier if she explained it in detail rather than tried to use euphemisms like she had the last few times.

She took a deep breath and decided that just going for it was a good idea. She just needed to tell him straight up, and then he would know exactly what she was saying. There were things that happened that didn't necessarily need to be public knowledge, but that was done now. "You know me, you've known me longer than we've been a couple. I preferred to keep a distance, not get emotionally invested in anyone else. Always fighting for myself."

"That's one of the first things I fell in love with." He replied, and she just grinned wider. It was always nice when James reminded her of the things that he'd fallen in love with. He'd listed them all once, the day he proposed, and she still loved hearing them. And she loved him.

"You're also the only person I let in. Emily was something totally different, she was my sister and she would already know." She smiled thinking about her sister. It had taken a very long time, but she was finally learning to smile when Emily's name was brought up, or whenever she thought about something that would mean something to her. James though, he was special for another reason. A very different reason. "You I chose to let in."

"I just..." He paused, and she knew that he understood exactly the meaning of that. That the only other person she'd let in as much as she had him had shared the uterus with her. They were the two people she had let into her life so completely, and he was the one she had chosen to let in. "Me and Emily?"

"Just you and Emily." She confirmed, not that she really had to. He knew that she was serious, because he did know her. He always had. She could at least explain why this was something she wanted to keep forever, even if all if ever was now was this. "I have loved you since the moment we met, and I don't want this to end. I can't let go of this, of us. Not again."

"Meredith Brody I love you more than I can possibly explain, and we will work this out." He smiled, then leant over to kiss her as hard as he could. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him back down to join her in the bed, even if only for a few moments. Five more minutes together was worth this. She knew that, and she was certain that James did too. They loved each other, and all this was doing was proving that to each other, once again. She really couldn't give this up, and she was glad to know that he couldn't either.


End file.
